hmm.... where to start? I seem to start almost all my entries like this, don't I? oh well... ::sigh:: I guess it's b/c I'm always lost. Lost in thought, lost in spirit, lost in company. My Love (should I continue to call her this?), seems to only be willing to give me blood if I dedicate myself to her. I'm too much of a fledging right now to do that. I need room to open my wings and just feed off whom I can get. I know that may not be safe, but I'm going to make sure they're clean first, so, don't worry. But that's the way I feel. I'd love to be with her, but just not now. I feel I've regained my sanity somewhat, but I'm not ever going to be who she wants me to be. I should just let her figure things out on her own I suppose. She knows what my needs are (though she has others trying to convince her that I'm only making this up). I don't need someone like that in my life. Someone that flippant isn't who I need as a donor, or as a lover. They must accept me for what I am.

I've found a contact in England who can help me, I'm sure of it. I don't know this connection I feel to her. It's not love, but rather, someone who I believe can help me regain my roots. That's where I was first made, way back in 1347. Though, 1347 doesn't seem that far back actually. Granted, it is 654 years, but still... I don't know. My Love has the phone number of someone who can help me get a job in 24 hours, anywhere in England. I just hope she'll give it to me. I need it, that's for sure. I know she'll want to come along with me (my Love that is). I just hope that she will decided soon what she wants to do. I've got to get a job and play out this semester the best I can, fooling my parents that I'm getting good grades. I'm certain that I'll be flying there sometime this summer. Maybe by then, she'll be understanding enough to come with me, or stay behind. If she stays, I just hope that she doesn't tell anyone of my location. I did want her to come with me, but it seems that she isn't ready. At least, not ready to decide whether or not she should come with me, Tristan Silver. For that's whom I will be once I am over there. I'll finally be able to cut ties with my mortal existence.

Anyways, I don't know what this entry has proved, if anything. I see my counselor again tomorrow (or today rather). Maybe she can help get this semester declared shit and get it withdrawn from the record. That'll be helpful should I ever choose to come back and take up the role of Kevin once more. I don't see that happening though. I can make it. Thousands, tens of thousands of people make it everyday without any real help from their parents. And they have nothing to go on. Why should I be any different? This girl in England (her name's Rachel) could prove to be a good start for that. I just hope she isn't bull-shitting me, but I don't think she is, but then again, I've thought that before, but this time is different. She hasn't tried to sucker me in, or promise me anything, she just being a friend. Once again, time will tell.

-Tristan